Fifty-three percent of people who live near a Wal-Mart store will vote for George Bush on Tuesday.
I’m not making this up. Miss Ellie read the statistic on the crawl at the bottom of the CNN screen. I don’t doubt it for a minute. For a rich man, Bush is a Wal-Mart kind of guy.
A few minutes later, I saw a graphic on the screen that showed what percentage of mustard lovers would vote for Bush instead of Kerry, and similar statistics for those who like catsup.
I’m not making that up, either. Sorry I wasn’t quick enough to write down the figures.
Maybe a referendum on condiments will help end the bitter partisanship that has divided our nation for the last four years. This is the most serious election in my memory, and at the same time the most ludicrous.
We quickly mobilized all of the resources of The Wickenburg Institute for Factual Diversity, and here are some of the things we learned:
- Fifty-four percent of people who live near mattress outlet stores favor Kerry. (Those who chose their current address because of its proximity to Blockbuster won’t vote at all.)
- Bush is a slight favorite with those who love chunky peanut butter; fans of smooth peanut butter lean toward Kerry. Users of spray-on cheese spreads are evenly divided, except in industrial areas of Ohio, where 51 percent of cheese sprayers favor Kerry.
- Thirty-seven percent of people who drink French wine will vote for Kerry, 36 for Bush, and 27 percent won’t admit they drink French wine. Those who drink domestics by Gallo and Sutter Home will vote 57-43 percent for Bush.
(These figures are suspect, because some Napa Valley wines are now way up there in the Republican price range, more dear than good Scotch.)
- Dachsund owners lean toward Kerry. Those who have blue tick hounds and catahoulas will vote for George Bush by a margin of 51 to 43, with 6 percent still undecided.
- Voters who have been pre-approved for credit cards by Capitol One are in a statistical dead heat.
- Women who wear wigs are solidly behind Bush, except in Florida.
- Ralph Nader will get virtually no votes from those who drive classic Corvairs and new Ford Expeditions. (Eighty-eight percent of voters don’t remember the Corvair.)
- People who suffer from agoraphobia are less likely to vote.
- Incumbent congressmen will be among the few voters to vote a straight party ticket. Some interpet this as party loyalty, and others attribute it to a lack of imagination.
- The question of slick vegetables may be a regional thing, but we find these figures significant: Those who eat okra favor Bush 51-49 percent, and those who eat asparagus favor Kerry 56-44.
Sorry we couldn’t get to the question of black olives versus stuffed green olives, but we ran out of time, and olives. Our margin of error is plus or minus the state of Virginia.